We originally wanted to do a meditation retreat in Thailand when we were first there but ran out of time. I had wanted to do something like this for a few years. I met a guy at a house party a few years ago who was raving to me about this meditation retreat near Wales where you are silent for 10 days and just meditate. Admittedly he was gurning like a bitch at the time so i took it with a grain or 2 of salt but it definitely stayed in my mind. So I'd known it was something I had to do but I just hadn't wanted to take time off of work to it, but as fate would have it, it's something you can do in SE Asia.
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| Walking to the centre which is about 2/3 hrs out from KL. |
So we signed up online and were accepted. They send you a few emails telling you to abstain for booze and space cakes and then a few wks later there we were.
We arrived at the center at about 2.30 in the afternoon on the 24th of October. We were then asked to hand over phones, laptops, writing materials, reading materials, just anything that might be a distraction. We were then asked again if this was something we wanted to do and asked to sign consent forms. A sort of contract that we stick out the 10 days and not go AWOL. This would be the last day of speech as the next 10 days would be silent. Our vow of noble silence meant that we could not communicate with any other student at all. No eye contact, no gestures and no speech. We were allowed to ask our course tutors questions and staff but only if you needed help with something.
That first afternoon was a bit weird. I said bye to Andy as men and women were segregated and found my room. The room was very basic but you did get your own which I wasn't expecting. We also got showers attached to our rooms which was a bonus. I tried to make myself at home but I guess I was nervous, so just found myself sat on my bed staring at the wall for a long while.. It's weird I'd been looking forward to this for so long and then there I was alone in my room and for a moment or several wondered what the hell I was doing. There is something quite scary about the thought of being purely with you, yourself and you for that amount of time. I've never been inside my own head for that long so this was going to be interesting.
Later that evening we spoke our last and began our noble silence. We walked to the Darma Hall in straight lines holding a piece of paper that told you where you would be sitting for the next 10 days. I found it interesting that it said cell no instead of room number. The Darma Hall is where our meditation would be held and began with just an hour or so and then went off to our cells/rooms to sleep and prepare for the next day.. Thankfully we had alarm clocks provided because we had to rise at 4am everyday and meditate.
The schedule just so you have a rough idea went as follows
4am Wake Up
4.30 Meditation
6.30-7.15 Breakfast
8am Meditation
11am Lunch
1pm Meditation
5pm Tea break (no meal just fruit)
6pm Meditation
7pm Daily Discourse ( Viewing)
8.30 Final Mediation of the day
9.30 Lights Out
In a nutshell this was our schedule for the time that we were there. Waking up at 4am and then going to meditate actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The first thing we had to do was focus on our respiration. Just purely focus your mind on your nostrils and the sensation of the air coming in and out. Just that. The problem you discover straight away though is just how crazy you actually are. A million thoughts a minute racing through your mind. Most of them completely non nonsensical and they're just constantly racing around. Things you haven't thought about for an age. Random songs suddenly popping in like Spice Girls Wannabe or Toploader just anything. Then you have to realise that you're mind is wandering and come back to your respiration. So hard. I didn't realise how noisy and clustered and just full of shit my mind was. I think this is the case for everyone in that room so it was fine. You were told to just accept the fact that your mind had wandered and feel no aversion just accept it and carry on.
Naturally there were also external issues that would affect your inner peace. For example, there was a lady sat directly behind me who had the worst cough. It sounded just horrible and phlegmy. I'm not proud of myself but I did find myself getting really annoyed - the one thing we are told not do when meditating. Then a voice would be telling you to focus on your breathing - the sensation of the breath going in - the breath going out. All I could think was germs! Breathing them in and other people breathing them out. I could feel the coughs sometimes on the back of my neck and that didn't help - I just wanted to cry. I came back from a break later to find that she had been moved to the back. I have to say that I felt so bad at that point and only then did my compassion make a reappearance. There was always someone burping really loudly or shuffling or sneezing or farting really loudly. You just have to get used to it and come back to your breathing and you inner frigging peace.
Of course physically there are obstacles to overcome as well. Sitting with your legs crossed on some cushions on the floor for that amount of time is pretty tough on your back. You're fine for about the first hour and then your have to keep changing position and eventually you find that no position is comfy anymore. I managed to stick it out for the first three days but then noticed that more and more people were getting wooden back rests to put behind them. I gave in and asked for one and it made such a big difference because I didn't have excruciating back pain whilst trying to concentrate my mind.
Eventually on the third or fourth day you move on to focus on the whole body. Dissecting your body piece by piece and focusing on the sensations you feel and accepting them as they are in that moment mindful that they are impermanent You constantly scan your body for hrs just focusing your mind on the framework of your own body and importantly your own experience. Always objectively and mindful not to create any negativity in your mind. Apparently our focus is always outwards which it is and so we must focus inwards to find what ails us and to get to that ultimate truth of whatever your facing.
The sensations could be anything really. The feel of the atmosphere around you, coldness, heat, the touch of the fabric on your skin. Eventually we had to sit for an hour 3 times a day without moving. Just be completely still and focusing your mind.
During one of the aforementioned sittings the instructor was talking us through, telling us to scan the body piece by piece as per usual. He actually said that perhaps we might feel heat or even a biting sensation. So I focus my mind and begin. Everything seemed to be going well, and suddenly I start to feel a biting sensation on my back. I shrug it off thinking 'that's not where I'm focusing my mind right now'. Then it happens again and then it really feels like something is trying to take a chunk out of me. Bear in mind that we were not supposed to move a limb for that hour - just complete stillness. Turns out some ants had climbed up my back rest, up my back and inside of my dress and were now proceeding to bite the bejesus out of me. I actually managed to not move for ages and then decided that was ridiculous and reached down my dress and got a couple of the fuckers. No one saw, thankfully as everyone else was lost in meditation and back pain. Thankfully the break bell rang and I rang outside like a mad women and got the other 5 more ants walking around inside my dress.
At dinner times we all faced forward and always sat in the same seat. I had a daily battle with a wiley mosquito that always seemed to come for me. So hard trying not to kill it. I thought to myself that it was like a prison especially at meal times. Girls walking around unable to leave and you get you meal you sit and leave. I sometimes fantasised about a riot breaking out in the dinner hall. When everyone was walking towards the meditation hall at 4.30am they looked like zombies. Carrying their umbrellas just dragging them along the floor heading to a place we've been programmed to go not fully aware of anything or anyone. So weird, I could have been in a zombie movie or The Walking Dead.
Occasionally someone would do something comical and you'd want to laugh but you had to maintain silence. On the girls side we did cheat a little and make eye contact. For example there was a lady who (in the five minute breaks we had) would march up and down outside the hall. A kind of Hitler style walk I would say - where she would really her arms and legs in the air. Whilst doing this, she would let out the loudest farts ever. Everyone is trying to keep a straight face and be quiet and then you'd make eye contact with someone and start giggling. Or we'd see a lizard or some birds and you'd feel a light tap from someone letting you know something of interest was around. These little moments of comedy helped you get through the day I suppose.
My favorite part of the day was by far and away the discourses which were a video of S.N Goenka who brought the practice of Vipassana after it had almost died out. He would just talk you through the day and talk you through what it is that your doing and what the ultimate goal of it all is. Quite a funny old man with his wife (who had mahusive glasses) sat by him looking as though she had been to too many of his talks and just wanted to go home.
I suppose everything is teaching you to live in the moment and accept the present as it is with no aversion or preference. To always bear in mind that everything is impermanent. That there is no mine because everything and everyone is constantly changing. Trying to figure out how this mind and matter make up the thing you refer to as 'I'. To live in the moment and focus on the body and to gain wisdom. I wouldn't say I completely mastered anything. My mind still wandered but I guess I was able to bring it back faster and faster. I was able to begin to look at sensations and subsequently feelings that came, more objectively and not react first. It's tough but you slowly find your way.
On the 10th day you are allowed to talk again and the schedule changes up and it's really weird. You feel like you've become institutionalised. I wasn't sure what to do with myself without the rigid structure we'd had for the last few days. I wasn't the only one though, a lot of the girls looked lost. Like we'd all awoken from a shared dream and now had to come back to terms with reality. A lot of people just went into overdrive - 'I MUST TALK AT YOU!, whilst others went into a shell. I had a killer headache and found that a few of the other girls experienced head aches as well that day.
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| Leaving meditaion camp. Straight back on the gadgets as you can see and maybe a little crazied. |
We got a ride to the bus stop with a few of the Malay girls, one of whom had been to Aberystwyth Uni just like me. Small world. We then locked ourselves in a windowless room in Kuala Lumpur with a bucket of chicken. I did think I would stick out the veggie diet longer, but alas it was not to be.
Now that I've had time to reflect on the experience, I would say that it was on the whole positive. I think that it's a gift to be able to take time out and purely focus on you. No outside distractions, no anything. To just experience yourself and figure things out. I don't know that I can articulate this very well but I guess in short I found out a lot about myself. The negative aspects of me, things I have to work on, but then also a lot of good stuff as well that was hidden in the depths. I mean I don't think I've found myself just yet... but I learnt a great deal I think.
Now surely it's onward and upwards with this new found wisdom...
Easier said than done but I'm trying.
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